How to Set a Boundary With a Friend Who Only Texts When She Needs Something
By Maya Brooks · Updated 2026-09-21 · 4 min read
Quick answer
Name the pattern kindly and make your availability clear. Try: “I’ve noticed we mostly talk when you need something, and I’m feeling a little drained. I care about you, and I need more mutual check-ins to keep saying yes.”
What not to say
- “You only use me.”
- Keeping score out loud: “Last 5 times you only asked for…”
- Yes when you mean no, then resenting her all week.
- Ghosting and hoping she gets the hint.
Three scripts you can copy
Pick the one that sounds most like you. Change a word if you need to, then send it.
“I care about you and I’ve noticed we mostly talk when you need something. I’m feeling a little drained — could we have more regular catch-ups too?”
“I’m not able to help with that this week. I’ve noticed our chats are mostly favors lately, and I need a bit more balance to keep saying yes.”
“okay I’m officially starting a ‘no-favor-just-hi’ campaign haha. How are YOU actually doing this week?”
Why this works
You’re naming a pattern, not labeling her as a user. Patterns can change, labels start fights.
I sent a version of the soft one after a friend texted only for a cover letter review for the third time from a café in Capitol Hill. Saying “more mutual check-ins” actually led to a real catch-up call that week.
Stating your limit — not able to help this week — protects the friendship from quiet resentment.
If he gets defensive when you set a boundary, use this script.
FAQ
Am I being a bad friend?
No. Wanting mutuality isn’t mean. It’s what keeps friendships alive.
What if she gets defensive?
Give her a day. Defensiveness often softens into “oh, I didn’t realize.”
What if nothing changes?
Then you have info. You can step back and invest where there’s more reciprocity.